To Vincent

Fulfillment is when you meet someone who is as intellectual as you. Two homo sepiens who had evolved through billions of years of natural selection and mutation of molecules spoke from their hearts, soul to soul, stripped away their shells and all that has nothing to do with life before death.

The wonderful topics on how a mind creates it’s perceptions that versus reality and truth of someone, the universe and metaphysics, how psychology plays games with us - was it love or friendship, the stories we told ourselves that aren’t true, the phoniness of some people, the role of sex and masturbation, how to let go of ego of security of material things, pursuing a life of dreams and adventures, loving the muscle pain of mountain biking, of beach volleyball so you only live in the moment and think of nothing, and practicing meditations that embody the principles that can permeate through every part of your daily life. Then the gentle flirting and touches. These are the diamonds I had spotted just once or twice in a decade of countless sands; days passed alone conversing with self.

So let this man with a beautiful mind disappear into the bushes as I watch from a distance in awe of the nature that shares the same nuclei acids as us, the same gas and dust that wanders in space that birthed the trees, all species and us.

Let him fulfill his dream of mountain biking - in search of himself, carve out the meaning of life and chip away the unnecessary social boundaries. Perhaps one day we would meet again and the unknown would take us somewhere. Perhaps our paths would never cross again. As the crickets comforted us in the darkness of the night, what was left unsaid glowed and fluttered in our hearts - we chose to live simply for the now and to take pleasure in the seconds of our connection.

I know it would be difficult to meet another guy who would talk to me on such a deep level - where time ceased to exist and we huddled together in a little bubble of bliss that floated in another dimension.

But the conversation that dissolved into the moonlight as we sat on the rocks in Manly brought me immense pleasure and a potent belief that life can indeed be fun.

As he pointed out the southern star to me, I saw the truth - that we are just tiny beings given the one rare opportunity to exist on a rounded rock that has been dealt with all that we took. That the things that consumed us everyday were just stories and entertainments before we return to being gas and dust. That staying alive means so much more than surviving in an office. That if we listen to our guts and to the lessons that nature whispers to us… we will know what to do with ourselves.

So this is for you and me Vincent. I wish the best of dreams for you.

Saying goodbye to Chrystal

It broke my heart when I found out you had depression and had chosen to take your life. But then…who am I to say you couldn’t do that? You needed to end it all, the never ending voice of pain and misery in your head.

You opened the gate of suicide; it stood wide and stark naked. You made it real. You proved that it could be done. So I sat with it. Felt the scars that were on you…on me tighten their grips around the organ in my chest.

You must had been exhausted, wary of another dawn, and the dark night of loneliness that was your company. When I felt the same, I thought it would be so easy to go for a swim at Manly beach and let the waves take me over.

But I can’t walk through that gate. I want to recover and get well and push through. Take all I can from the light of the day.

And I want your soul to be happy.

Go now… travel because you’re free to fly.

So Chrystal… your first destination? Hawaii. I’d like you to be embraced by the spirit of Aloha - the all encompassing love between two souls. In many ways the Hawaiians remind me of you… warmth, friendly, and genuine.

Go to Lahaina at Maui. The stunning view brought tears to my eyes…well..incredible heartache too at the time… but after a while you’d  forget the pain when you see an endless beach of clear sparkling water.

You’d snorkel and chase after sea turtles (god did I stalk one of them.. haha), sun bathe on fine white sand that kisses your skin as the wind blows and stroll pass the coconut trees that sway to the rhythm of native Hawaiian folk music. You’d feel nostalgic but it’s ok…the feeling will pass.

And you’d beam when a good looking Hawaiian hunk adorns your neck with a Lei. The poor guy.. will fall head over heels in love with you.

So still your mind and be happy for each moment. Turn heads while you dance to the sound of Ukulele. Then tell me all about it when we meet again.

Chrystal Hanna

An acquaintance suddenly passed and I only found out this morning through Facebook. I didn’t even know she had been battling an illness quietly all the time while she smiled beautifully, wind blowing her black curly locks, her full figure clad in a two piece blue and yellow striped bikini. The day when Chrystal Hanna said hi to me at Manly beach, it was a sunny day, the sea was sparkling with shifting tiny diamonds when she asked if I like to practice beach volleyball with her.

It was so easy to talk to Chrystal. We exchanged stories about our exes… the love we lost… the happiness every girl sought after… the mistakes we made when it comes to sex… the desires that a woman has that is as potent as a man’s but would often be judged harshly upon…

We talked about beach volleyball, Manly, and surfing. She only just started learning to surf and enthusiastically encouraged me to get back to it, that we should simply jump into the sea with our boards and practice. Her cheerful disposition, warm spirit and zeal for life kept her illness well hidden away.

Beautiful girl, I wish I had jumped into the ocean and surfed with you once.

Now I can only honour you by cherishing every moment with my dear friends and family, remind them of the love of life you had infected me with - jump in and surf then drown that fear of the crashing waves…put to death all trepidations of life, accept the fragility of mind, body and soul…know my limits then proceed to destroy every single one of them…but most of all celebrate each moment with courage, hard work, adrenaline and quiet vindication, carry a silly smile when I fail and hurt badly, then get right back into it over and over again… like you did every moment of your life.

Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life.

Omar Khayyam, رباعيات خيام

great volleyball practice today with Katie, my favorite instructor. hehe.. been fun learning to jump and spike High-res

great volleyball practice today with Katie, my favorite instructor. hehe.. been fun learning to jump and spike

hehe picked up this old Germany made heater from outside the door of an old neighbor’s home on the same floor. it’s definitely still woking!! saves me from having to spend this winter :) thank you!! High-res

hehe picked up this old Germany made heater from outside the door of an old neighbor’s home on the same floor. it’s definitely still woking!! saves me from having to spend this winter :) thank you!!

scarred-in-wonderland:

Inspired by my mother telling me that Demisexuality is a lie made up by guys to sleep with women when I tried to come out to her. I’m a Biromantic Demisexual. It made me realise how little people really know about my sexuality. Demisexuality is under the Asexuality umbrella, but I didn’t have space to squeeze that in! My ask is open incase you have any questions or think I missed anything!

lol. pretty cool.. will probably show this to guys who don’t get what emotional bond or connection is

(via jamesrswof)